This contribution was made by a good high
school friend, Mr. Tommy Rutledge, author
unknown. I don't know what his intentions were, but I can fully relate to
it.
The Birthday Gift
For my birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased for me
a week of private lessons at the local health club.
Though still in great shape from when I was on the varsity chess team in high
school, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and try it.
I called the club and made reservations with someone named Tawny,
who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model
for athletic clothing and swimwear... hmmm. My wife seemed very
pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get started. The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress for the week:
MONDAY:
I started my day at 6:00 AM. It was tough to get out of bed, but well
worth the effort when I arrived at the health club to find Tawny
waiting for me. (She's something of a goddess with blond hair,
dancing eyes, and a dazzling white smile. WOO HOO!!!)
Tawny showed me the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill.
She seemed a little alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I think just standing next to
her in that outfit of hers added about ten points. I enjoyed watching the
aerobics class. Tawny was very encouraging as I did my sit-ups, though my gut
was already aching a little from holding it in the whole time I was
talking to her. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!!
TUESDAY:
It took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I finally
made it. Tawny had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into
the air. Then she put weights on it, for heaven's sake! My legs
were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made it the full mile.
Tawny's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. Muscles feel GREAT!!!
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I am certain
that I have developed a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as
long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a Geo in the
club lot. Tawny was a little impatient with me and said my screaming was
bothering the other club members. (Her voice is a little too perky for early in
the morning, and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is
VERY annoying.) The treadmill hurt my chest so I did the stair monster.
Why on earth would anyone invent a machine to stimulate an activity
rendered obsolete by the invention of elevators? Tawny told me regular
exercise would make me live linger. I can't imagine anything worse.
THURSDAY:
Tawny (what kind of stupid name is that anyway?) was waiting for me
with her vampire like teeth exposed in a full snarl. I couldn't help
being a half hour late, it took me that long to tie my freaking shoes. She
wanted me to lift dumbbells. Not a chance, Tawny. The word "dumb" must be
in there for a reason. When she wasn't looking, I ran and hid in the
men's room until she sent Lars looking for me. As punishment, she made me
try the rowing machine. It sank.
FRIDAY:
I hate Tawny more than any human being has ever hated any other
human being in the history of the world. (Stupid, skinny, anemic little
cheerleader wanna-be WITCH.) If there was a part of my body I could move without
unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. She thought it would be a
good idea to work on my triceps. Well I have news for you, Tawny, I don't
have any triceps. And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
freaking barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich (which I am
sure you learned in the sadist school you attended and graduated magna
cum laude from, you Nazi Witch). The treadmill flung me off and I landed
on a health and P.E. teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer,
like a drama coach or choir director?
SATURDAY:
Tawny left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly
voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made
me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength even to use the TV remote and ended up watching eleven straight
hours of The Weather Channel.
SUNDAY:
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
to express how thankful I am that this week is over and pray that next
year my wife will give me something a little more fun... like a free root
canal!!!
